Why does Corona taste like a burp?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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