I haven't been this sober since birth.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
