I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
