Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
