butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
