I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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