I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
