This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
