Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
