Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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