I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
