my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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