I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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