this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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