who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
