i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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