im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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