My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize