i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize