I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
