My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
