A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Pooping to opera.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize