Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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