did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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