I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
