dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
