He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
