WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
