So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
