textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think my vagina is haunted
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am naked and annoyed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
