I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
