Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
