if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize