you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
