thus making me awesome and them whores
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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