Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
