Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
