just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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