I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Fuck appropriateness.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
