Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
