guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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