i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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