did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
