I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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