i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
