You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
