Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize