Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
