CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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