Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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