i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why can't burritos get me drunk
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
