my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
