He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
