i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We talked him into tasing himself.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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