we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
