Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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